10/29/14 - All About THAT Marvel Thing, This Morning...

Well hold me the !@#$ down, bend me over, bang me like I asked !@#$ing nicely and don't stop til 2019. 

So, I take it you !@#$ing heard the same news I did, today?

In a word or two, !@#$ing very amazingly happy to see this lineup. This shows that Marvel has not been !@#$ing slacking. It also shows that, after DC threw down the !@#$ing gauntlet, the other week, Marvel was happy to throw down their own, and make it the !@#$ing Infinity Gauntlet at that.

So what am I happy about? Well, the news that we're getting a Black Panther movie has sent me over the !@#$ Moon. I'm also !@#$ing thrilled that we are going to get a Captain Marvel movie, and that it's going to be Carol !@#$ing Danvers, rather than poor old Mahr-Vell.

And getting the Inhumans in there, given the speculation that they'll be using the I-word to explain powers in the MCU since they can't !@#$ing use the M-word? Brilliant. Especially since I have a major fan-crush on Black Bolt.

From "Illuminati." The next panel had me laughing for hours.

 (I'm also happy to see we'll be getting GotG2 a couple months early. Because !@#$ yeah.)

And I am also really, super-!@#$ing happy to see that, starting in 2017, we will be getting three MCU movies a year. Hold up your hands and sing halle-!@#$ing-luiah, boys and girls. 

What am I not happy about? Well, !@#$ it, I want there to be a Black Widow movie. I am !@#$ing sick and tired of excuses. Scarlet J has shown us that she can !@#$ing carry a movie, and it's time we got to see Natasha on her own, kicking !@#$.

I'm also a little !@#$ed about the casting on Black Panther. I was hoping for someone like Chiwetel Ejiofor or Djimon Hounsou. Then again, I'm willing to give their casting a chance. So far they've made good !@#$ing choices.

So, based on what we know, let's play SPYGOD PREDICTS!

"Future movies such as these will affect you in the theater."

And here's the story I'm seeing happen, here:

Avengers 2: Age of Ultron: Bad !@#$ goes down. The team gets split over what happens.

Ant Man: light hearted caper !@#$ that will probably lead to our hero joining one side or the other.

Captain America: Civil War: Cap tries to find Bucky, but the conflict that happened in Age of Ultron leads to Tony and Cap butting heads over who to serve in the meantime.

Doctor Strange: Trans-cosmic magic stuff that may or may not have a !@#$ thing to do with what we've seen so far, but will probably feature at least one Infinity Gem.

Guardians of the Galaxy 2: More space craziness, with a possibility of them running straight into Thanos, and having to get the Collector along for the ride to get to those stones before purple-face does.

Thor: Ragnarok: Well, we know the !@#$ing Infinity Gauntlet's in the treasure chamber along with all that other crazy !@#$. And Loki's on the throne pretending to be Odin. And Asgard isn't doing too well after Thor II. So how much do you want to bet Thanos shows up, stomps the place flat, and takes a stone and the gauntlet?

Black Panther: Well, Cap's shield is busted, and he needs vibranium to fix it. Will T'Challa be happy about that? Will he join a side in the Civil War? Or will he be the one who helps !@#$ing end it?

Avengers III.1 - Infinity War: The !@#$ hits the fan. Thanos comes to Earth to take a final Infinity Stone from wherever the !@#$ it is (Doctor Strange? Loki's Staff? Something else?) and it's all we can do to keep him from leveling the place. Clearly we need help, which may come from the Guardians of the Galaxy at some point.

Captain Marvel: We get some more help, courtesy of Carol Danvers, who either gets some Kree powers by way of the same !@#$ that's going around Marvel's Agents of Shield, or some other way. We get some cosmic !@#$, either way.

The Inhumans: More help, I'm sure. Are they the result of Kree experimentation on humans? Or something different? I'm suspecting they'll have come out and taken a bow before then, but hopefully we'll get the full !@#$ing monty, here, as they join forces with our heroes to help deal with Thanos.

Avengers III.2 - Infinity War: All hands combine, Thanos gets taken down, people die and !@#$ goes boom, and then... ????

Past that, I need more !@#$ing beer, and a look at Phase 4.

But this has been an amazing !@#$ing day, folks. Keep watching. I think MCU is poised to knock DC off its pedestal, again.

What all do you think, Agents? Are you salivating or reserving judgment? Any movies you could do without, or want to see in there? Are you down with the casting choices and sequence of films?

And do you not agree with me that we need to start making "Katee Sackhoff is Captain Marvel or we RIOT" shirts?

I mean, Jesus !@#$ing Christ. Separated at Birth or what?

7/31/14 - Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy

As those of you !@#$ers who are lucky enough to read my semi-regular dispatches from super-spy country will know, old Uncle SPYGOD's got a more-than-!@#$ing-passing familiarity with space opera bull!@#$. Not only do I have a boyfriend who used to keep the whole !@#$ planet safe from alien invaders, big !@#$ asteroids, and weird outer-space !@#$ that'd come along and try to eat Kuala Lumpur, or something, but when he !@#$ed up and missed something too small for Deep-Ten to see coming, I got to clean up his mess on the ground.

(Made for some really !@#$ interesting pillow talk when we first hooked up, let me tell you.)

So yes, son, I know from crazy outer space !@#$. And so when I say that Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy has turned out to be some grade-A, top prime, Over The !@#$ Top and Through The Woods to Grandmother's Big !@#$ Jacuzzi crazy outer space !@#$, you should just nod, smile, and buy a ticket for everyone you can think of. 

"Ill take two large drinks and a medium popcorn, mother!@#$er."

Why? Well, let's break this !@#$er down for you, here: (Some light spoilers apply)

It's got a guy you can root for, for starters. Peter Quill -- aka Starlord -- is just your average person, provided your average person was !@#$ing kidnapped out of a hospital lawn when he wasn't even old enough to shave, yet, and put to work by a bunch of hardscrabble alien types. All he's got to remind him of Earth (Terra, as they say out in the black) is an Awesome Mix Tape of 70's tunes, and memories of his dying mother.

Of course, this guy grows up wild and a little weird. He also thinks he's a master thief, and he might be right. But when he goes to get some mysterious orb from a dead world on behalf of his kidnappers-turned-friends, and then not only deals with some unexpected resistance, and pulls a double-cross on his partners, well... before you know it, every mother!@#$er who either wants the orb, the bounty on his head, or his !@#$ on a stick decides to chase him to get it -- with interesting results. 

And this, in time, leads to Quill being tossed into the mother of all bas!@#$ space prisons with the adoptive daughter of Thanos, himself (Gamora), a cyborg rodent who looks like a Raccoon (Rocket), a green-skinned brute who really wants vengeance on a certain villain (Drax the Destroyer), and a walking tree who sounds like Vin !@#$ing Diesel (Groot). Together, they commit crimes, or at least try to band together and get their !@#$es out of jail so they can fulfill their individual goals. 

"Now we just need awesome music. How about 'In the Navy'?"

Bad news is, it won't be that !@#$ing simple. For one thing, the Nova Corps is on their !@#$. For another, they'll have to deal with the Collector, himself, who, as we all know by now, is not to be !@#$ing trusted. And for yet another thing, they'll ultimately have to face Ronan the Accuser, a dangerous Kree fanatic who wants the orb for his master, Thanos, but might have a few !@#$ed-up ideas of his own. 

And let's not forget the other adoptive daughter of Thanos, Nebula, who's got enough issues to have subscriptions, and is !@#$ happy to deal with them by bringing the pain to other folks who get in her way. 

The story of how these unlikely heroes become a team and deal with these scum!@#$s is the movie, and there's no way in !@#$ I am giving away any more than I have. But there are a few things I will tell you about why you should see this movie, other than the fact that I'll kick your !@#$ing butts black and blue if you don't.

1) It's fun, fun, fun: This is being billed as a science fiction action comedy, and they didn't just say that because it rolls off the tongue like a vodka-soaked gummi bear. There's a lot of laughs, a lot of good action, explosions, laughs, thrills, excellent effects, laughs, and stirring speeches that find a way to make this more than just a laugh, though it has a lot of big !@#$ laughs. The good guys are loveable rogues who don't always make good choices, but have good banter, and the bad guys are one-dimensional enough to not have to have a hard think about moral ambiguity or any of that !@#$ while enjoying your popcorn.

2) It's Marvel, Though You Don't Need to Know That: If you are a Marvel fan, you will not be disappointed. This movie takes its cues from the current run of Guardians of the Galaxy, but also throws in a lot of other pieces of cosmic Marvel -- both new and old, big and small. It plays right into the backstory of certain, super-powerful objects we've seen in other Marvel movies (Captain America, Avengers, and Thor II), throws in some massively amazing things we've been hoping to see as MCU canon, and develops the presence of Thanos as a big bad to watch out for.

But even if you've never read the comic, and have no idea who the !@#$ any of these people are, your ignorance is not penalized from not getting it. Whatever's essential to the plot is explained, and whatever's just an easter egg or fan service is just that -- however wonderful to see.

"I said a triple carmel macchiato with soy milk, !@#$ it."

3) We're Going to Need the Laugh:  It's true that this movie lacks the emotional depth of other Marvel movies. And that may lead you to realize that your cheering isn't as deep and full as it was for, say, Avengers, Iron Man, or Captain America: the Winter Soldier, and may lead to your leaving the theater feeling as though you aren't as satisfied as you should be. However, as has been remarked elsewhere, this is the light comedy course between two really !@#$ heavy offerings -- Winter Soldier and the upcoming Avengers 2, which is purportedly going to be one !@#$ of a big !@#$ emotional wringer. 

Past that? This movie's a great ensemble piece, which each character meshing fairly well with the others. The CGI on Rocket and Groot is nothing short of !@#$ing amazing, to the point where you can almost believe it's real, and those who listen for a certain Browncoat in an amusing cameo will not be disappointed. 

Plus, Josh Brolin's Thanos shows a lot of promise -- in the short time he's on screen you can actually feel the pure !@#$ing menace radiate over the rest of the film. We'll be seeing more of him, soon. We may not like it, though...

SPYGOD's Verdict: Two and a Half Thumbs Up for an immensely fun movie that doesn't take itself too seriously, even in the face of black villainy and possible Galactic apocalypse. Guardians of the Galaxy delivers on its promise of comedy, action, and science fiction while doing Marvel's cosmic properties proud. Take a friend who's never seen any Marvel movies, and be sure to stay alllll the way through the credits.